Why should I change? Why would I be a disciple? Why give up my own life, dream, will…? Why go out of my comfort zone? Why would I follow Christ? Why give up my carnal mind for the mind of Christ? Why risk being persecuted, hated, an outcast, talked about, an outsider of the church because I am a true follower of Christ? Why follow the law of the Spirit when it goes against my own nature? Why follow the law of the Spirit when it may end up taking me out from the church, my friends, and my family? Why give up everything for Christ? Why listen to the still voice telling me to stand up in the middle of the night to pray? Or fast for a long period? Why go against my flesh when it causes pain, both physical and psychological, and mental? Why risk not pleasing people for the sake of pleasing God? I see people, I don’t see God.

Because I have tried life without Christ, and it is empty, hollow, and leads nowhere. Because without Christ I’m still under God’s anger. Because without change, I will keep on going around in circles – back to my own vomit. Because God’s love conquers everything.

Without Christ, you seek and seek, and seek. Seek after meaning, love, acceptance, joy, and peace, but it’s nowhere to be found. When you think you have found it, in the next storm in your life it is gone. And you realize over and over again that it was sand, not solid ground. You look for family, a place to belong. You go to the church, and you realize that you being you is not enough, it’s not accepted. You need to conform, and be what they expect you to be. Then they will love you. But in reality, who do they love? You, or someone that looks like you, talks like you, but is a shadow of who you truly are?

In prison, behind bars that you are not fully aware of, or don’t want to be aware of. For in this prison, you find a false image of acceptance, love, truth, understanding, and meaning. But deep inside you are screaming and knowing you are a false image of yourself. Knowing that it is all empty and the lack deep inside of your being is as big as it has ever been. A lot of your energy goes to keeping up this composure and hiding who you truly are. You are in truth captured. Truth is a lie in disguise.

You might think that a mistake is not a way to grow and mature; it is just a confirmation that you are a failure. You feel alone, even though you have a lot of friends and family around you. You have goals you want to accomplish, things you want to see and do. When you have reached your goal, when you have done and seen everything you wanted, you are still empty, still seeking, still without answers. You still feel as if nothing makes sense and you know that there is something you have not seen or understood. You still haven’t found out the true purpose of life and who you are supposed to be. There is a big gap in your life, and nothing in this world can fill this gap. You are dead, walking around with dead. You are blind, and think you see. Without Christ, it is chaos and confusion.

Therefore I agree with Paul and say: “Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,” Phil 3:8. I will follow Christ no matter the cost. I will live my life in a manner worthy of the Lord. I will obey. I will give up my life. I will have a resolve within me to do whatever is necessary. Even though it cost me my sleep, my family, my will, my dreams, my friends, and my position in the church.

I want to be free from my carnal mind. Even though it cost. I don’t want to e imprisoned. I am one year old. I am a baby in Christ. I don’t know what is ahead of me. I don’t know the future. But what I do know is that a life without Him is empty, lonely, dark, sucking life, bringing death, blindness, being deceived, walking around without a compass, and chaos. Give me instruction and advice and I will follow because I know that even though the road is narrow, you gain so much more than all I can conquer through my carnal mind. I will obey. This is my resolve. Help me God to be true. I am never alone. I will conquer, God is on my side.

Author: one of the True Life Saints